The Anomalous Press

Author: Cryptic Anomaly

After giving this writing idea some thought, I feel like being poly is also part of Pride Month. This is not because every poly person is automatically queer and not because every queer person is automatically poly. It is because Pride has always had something to do with refusing the shame other people try to place on ways of being, loving and existing that do not fit the approved social script. As someone who is demisexual, sapio-romantic and a gender non-conforming female, I already understand what it means to exist outside of what people expect. My attraction, romantic orientation, gender expression and relationship structure do not arrange themselves in the most socially convenient way. However, I do not think that makes them less real, less valid or less worthy of respect.

Poly pride, to me, is not about demanding that everyone become poly or pretending that polyamory is for everyone. It is about refusing to accept guilt for loving differently. Personally, I identify as solo poly, which means my polyamory does not come from wanting to recreate the usual relationship escalator with multiple people. I am not trying to force everyone into the same structure, and I am not trying to make my relationships look more traditional just to make them easier for other people to understand. Both of my current partners are not poly themselves, yet the relationships work because there is honesty, consent, awareness and respect involved. That matters more to me than whether my life looks normal from the outside.

A very specific kind of judgement exists from living in a world where monogamy is treated as the natural centre of love, commitment and moral maturity. People may not always say it directly but the message is still there. For example, if you love more than one person, something must be missing. If you are open to multiple intimate relationships, you must be selfish. If exclusivity is not the foundation of your romantic life, then your love must be less serious. That is not wisdom. That is a social expectation pretending to be truth, and it becomes exhausting when people mistake their discomfort for a moral argument.

The issue is not monogamy itself. Monogamy can be beautiful when it is chosen freely, honestly and with mutual desire. Some people are deeply monogamous, and that deserves respect. The problem begins when monogamy is treated as the only acceptable proof of love. Once that happens, every other structure gets pushed into suspicion before it is even understood. Poly people are often assumed to be greedy, immature, oversexual, emotionally damaged or secretly looking for permission to cheat. There is something almost absurd about a society full of hidden affairs, emotional dishonesty, resentment and miserable couples still looking at ethical non-monogamy as if honesty is the real moral crisis.

This is also why it is important to separate polyamory from swinging, threesomes, foursomes and other forms of non-monogamy. These things can overlap, however, they are not automatically the same. Polyamory is usually about having or being open to having, more than one consensual romantic or intimate relationship with honesty, communication and awareness involved. Swinging is often more couple-centred and more focused on shared sexual experiences outside of the main relationship. A threesome or foursome is an activity or encounter, not a full relationship structure by itself. For example, someone can have a threesome without being poly while someone can be poly without wanting group sex and someone can be sexually open without wanting multiple romantic bonds.

These distinctions matter because people often reduce polyamory to sex when they do not want to take it seriously. Once polyamory gets flattened into “sleeping around”, people no longer have to acknowledge the emotional depth, responsibility, boundaries, communication and care that can exist within poly relationships. It becomes easier to judge the stereotype than to understand the reality. Polyamory, when practised ethically, is not cheating with prettier language. Cheating involves deception whereas Polyamory requires consent. Those are not the same thing, no matter how uncomfortable that distinction makes people who have already decided what they want to believe.

Additionally, a mono world often expects poly people to explain themselves as if they are defending a thesis. People ask, “How does that even work?” when they often mean, “I do not believe that works.” They ask, “Do you not get jealous?” as if jealousy never appears in monogamous relationships. They ask, “Why is one person not enough?” as if love has to operate like there’s a scarcity of it. However, love is not automatically shallow because it is not exclusive, and exclusivity is not automatically healthy because it is familiar. A relationship should be judged by honesty, consent, care, emotional safety and responsibility, not simply by whether it follows the most common structure.

Poly pride also means refusing the expectation that every poly person must arrange their relationships the same way. Even inside poly spaces, there can be judgement around hierarchy, as if having a primary relationship or a clear structure automatically means someone is doing polyamory wrong. I understand why some people are cautious about hierarchy, especially when it becomes an excuse to treat other partners as disposable or secondary in a cruel way. At the same time, hierarchy can work when everyone involved knows what the structure is, consents to it and feels respected within it. In my own life, having a hierarchy works for us, and both partners are fine with it. That is the part people forget which is that the ethics are not in the label alone; the ethics are in the honesty, consent and treatment of the people involved.

Ultimately, poly pride in a mono world is about standing in a truth that does not need to be made smaller for other people’s comfort. It is about saying that love does not become invalid because it refuses one approved pattern. It is also about allowing poly people to be different from one another because solo poly, hierarchical poly, non-hierarchical poly and other forms of ethical non-monogamy do not all have to look the same to be real. Pride is not only celebration. It is also the refusal to carry shame that never belonged to you in the first place. Poly people do not owe the world guilt for existing authentically. They do not owe anyone an apology for loving differently. They do not need to become less visible just because other people are more comfortable when love stays within the lines.