Author: Cryptic Anomaly
One of the nicest things that can happen in my life is absolutely nothing. No unexpected problems, unnecessary arguments or odd situations requiring explanations that should have been obvious in the first place. Just a relatively quiet day where I can enjoy my interests, work on something meaningful or simply exist without having to accomplish anything. As I have grown older, I have come to appreciate these moments more although I would not describe myself as someone who wants a completely uneventful life. I enjoy exploring new places, engaging in intellectual conversations and discovering things that challenge my understanding of the world. What I have become less interested in is unnecessary chaos particularly when it interferes with experiences I would otherwise enjoy. Somewhere along the way, I began thinking more seriously about the values that influence how I live and what I expect from life. Peace, honesty and authenticity eventually became three of the most important among them. I do not consider them rules that must be followed perfectly nor do I believe they make me an enlightened individual. They are simply values that reflect my personal needs, the relationships I appreciate and the kind of life I would like to continue building.
Peace, to me, involves emotional security, stability and having enough freedom within my day to enjoy life at my own pace. I like having responsibilities and projects that give me something meaningful to pursue but I also appreciate being able to put them aside without feeling that I have committed some terrible offence against productivity. Living with C-PTSD and Retinitis Pigmentosa has made me more aware and intentional of how stress, fatigue and psychological capacity influence what I can reasonably manage. There are days when I have enough energy to spend hours researching, writing or developing ideas while others require a slower approach. One of the more frustrating things I have had to work through is the guilt that sometimes accompanies rest even when I know it is necessary. It is an exhausting way to approach relaxation which somewhat defeats its purpose. I have gradually started questioning why I sometimes feel obligated to make every day useful in a measurable way. Spending an afternoon with my cat, listening to music or enjoying a good book does not become meaningless simply because it contributes nothing to a professional goal. In fact, having the freedom to enjoy these experiences without turning them into another responsibility is part of what makes life comfortable for me.
However, the peace I appreciate in my personal environment is not always as easy to maintain in relationships. I enjoy interacting with people who have different perspectives especially when a conversation encourages me to reconsider an assumption or explore an unfamiliar idea. Disagreement itself has never been my main concern. It is what happens when a disagreement becomes an emotional competition, or when somebody expects continuous accommodation without offering the same consideration in return. Through my experiences with unhealthy relationships, guilt-tripping and manipulation, I have learnt that avoiding an argument does not necessarily mean that a situation has been resolved. Sometimes it simply means that one person has decided the emotional effort is not worth continuing the conversation. C-PTSD can make these situations more complicated because I may find myself anticipating another person’s reaction before I have fully considered what I think or feel. I am still learning to separate genuine concerns from responses influenced by earlier experiences. At the same time, I have become more comfortable accepting that somebody can be disappointed with me without either of us necessarily being wrong. I would prefer relationships where people can communicate their needs, acknowledge their differences and move forward without treating every uncomfortable interaction as a personal betrayal.
This brings me to honesty which I have found to be sometimes complicated when it involves examining my own thoughts and feelings. I tend to analyse situations from multiple perspectives because I want to understand why something happened, what influenced it and whether my interpretation is reasonable. Generally, I appreciate this aspect of myself. Unfortunately, it can also lead to spending far too much time examining something that probably did not require a philosophical investigation. There have been occasions when I have understood why a person behaved a certain way while struggling to acknowledge that their behaviour was still affecting me. Similarly, I have sometimes questioned my feelings simply because I could not immediately explain them. I have come to recognise that understanding an experience does not always mean accepting it, just as experiencing an emotion does not automatically make my interpretation of a situation accurate. I can feel hurt without somebody necessarily intending to hurt me or feel guilty about a decision that was perfectly reasonable. Being honest with myself requires acknowledging these possibilities without automatically dismissing my feelings or treating them as unquestionable evidence. It also involves admitting when I have changed my mind, made a mistake or continued pursuing something simply because I was reluctant to accept that I no longer wanted it.
When it comes to honesty with other people, I appreciate communication that is direct, thoughtful and sincere. I do not particularly enjoy trying to interpret hidden meanings or wondering whether somebody is saying what they actually believe. Of course, I understand that people sometimes need time to process their feelings and not every thought needs to be communicated immediately. I also believe that honesty should involve some consideration for how information is expressed. There is a difference between being truthful and using the truth as an excuse to be unnecessarily cruel. What matters to me is knowing that a relationship allows enough trust for both people to communicate openly including when the subject is uncomfortable. I would prefer someone to tell me that something is wrong so we can understand the issue than have them quietly accumulate resentment while pretending everything is fine. Equally, I appreciate being able to express concerns without feeling that I need to prepare an entire defence beforehand. This does not mean expecting everyone to agree with my perspective. Sometimes a conversation ends with two people understanding each other perfectly well and still disagreeing. I consider that a perfectly acceptable outcome provided there is mutual respect and a willingness to listen.
Meanwhile, authenticity, has become increasingly connected to how I understand my identity and the freedom to explore it. I have never been interested in fitting into conventional expectations of appearance, personality or interests although I have certainly experienced periods of questioning myself because of other people’s expectations and perceptions. My shadow pastel goth aesthetic, intellectual curiosity, creative interests and unconventional preferences are all aspects of my personality that I genuinely enjoy. However, I do not consider authenticity to be limited to expressing whatever makes someone unique. For me, it also involves recognising when I am following a particular path because it interests me and when I am doing so because I have become attached to an expectation. I find this most relevant when thinking about the person I was several years ago in comparison to who I am today. Some of my interests and values have remained consistent while others have changed considerably through experience, reflection and learning. I do not view these changes as evidence that my previous identity was somehow false. People evolve, acquire new perspectives and occasionally discover that something they once considered important no longer holds the same meaning. There is no particular reason why personal growth should require maintaining an identical version of ourselves indefinitely. I appreciate the freedom to explore these changes without feeling obligated to turn every aspect of my personality into a public explanation. Some things can simply belong to me.
When I think about peace, honesty and authenticity together, I notice that they influence many of the decisions in my daily life. They affect how I spend my time, the people I choose to keep close to me and the expectations I place upon myself. I enjoy having intellectual and creative ambitions but I am no longer interested in building a life where accomplishment comes at the expense of enjoying the experiences that make those ambitions worthwhile. I also recognise that living according to personal values does not guarantee that every decision will be comfortable or correct. There will be occasions when I compromise, react emotionally, misunderstand someone or discover that my priorities have changed again. I would like to approach those experiences with enough self-awareness to learn from them without turning every mistake into another personal criticism. Perhaps what I appreciate most about these three values is that they remind me that life does not need to become a continuous exercise in improvement, explanation or achievement. I can pursue meaningful work, develop relationships, change my opinions and occasionally have an entirely uneventful afternoon without needing to attach some profound significance to every experience. I want to enjoy the life I am creating while I am actually living it, not spend most of my time preparing for an imaginary point in the future when everything will finally be satisfactory. There will always be something else to accomplish, understand or reconsider. But I would still like to have a pleasant Tuesday in the meantime.
